My Pre-Finals Crisis

As the end draws near…

So what?

Your problems aren’t my problems.

Your shit isn’t my shit to clean up.

My reputation shouldn’t be yours to frizzle.

My ideas aren’t yours to twist, mangle, misinterpret, and especially, ignore.

Why the hell did I have to deal with this?

Damn.

I trusted you.

Can’t believe I had to lose sleep over You And Them.

Can’t believe I allowed myself to get distracted.

You screwed up. Don’t fucking deny it.

But I never expected this to be contagious.

Don’t get me wrong. I got your back.

I’m just glad someone else had mine covered.

So what?

I never intended to attract you into my circle, nor did I intend to be affected by you.

I’m wondering why it’s you that I have to concerned about, and not myself.

I’m wondering what lessons you were supposed to teach me.

If “When the student is ready, the teacher will arrive” is true, what exactly did you have to be ready for…ME?

God. Another flat tire.

I want to move forward, but it seems I needed to give something back.

I wonder if I gave anything at all.

If all my labors bear the fruits of ignorance, glass-eyed stares and empty nods with unanswered questions, I’m sorry if I may have made life even more complicated for you.

I told myself I was good at taking something complex and making it simple to understand.

But maybe I took what was already simple, and twisted it beyond comprehension.

Or maybe I have to believe that there really is a limit.

Maybe you found the peak too arduous.

Maybe you can’t see things the way I can clearly see it.

Or maybe my glasses just got too fogged.

So what?

Did I actually create a change?

Did I actually make the world better than it was?

Did I actually make an impact?

Was it all worth it?

Is it worth a second try?

Questions. Questions. Questions.

Fuck.

What about me?

Shit.

I really have to see this in a different light, should I?

Alright.

Time to play Mr. Brightside.

Send in the clowns.

At long last

I’m hitting the gym again. Thank God.

Tagged (Hell yeah I fell for it)

1. What are your reasons for having a blog?

I’ve tried and tried to be a consistent everyday blogger, but the fact remains that I never am and probably never will be (R.I.P. my former blogs). So my current blog is here for me to manifest whatever’s inside, whenever I feel something that disturbs or excites my heart. But that disturbance or excitement just comes and goes.

2. What do you do before bedtime?

Honestly, plan what to do the next day. I try to squeeze in fifty pushups or a short story, or a chapter of a novel if I can.

I don’t really…Part II

I have just arrived home. I step into my room, unbutton my shirt, relieve myself of my black khaki pants and toss my gray socks into the hamper. I have just come home from my Tuesday stint as a teacher. Three classes. Four and a half straight hours of talking. A hundred students. A hundred lives that have placed their hopes of learning into my hands. As much as I am relived of the tightness of my outfit, the memories of the lecture this afternoon is fresh, and unwilling to part away. The people around me – friends, colleagues, family and loved ones – have time and time again told me something I am still trying to comprehend:

“Once you’re out of the office, detach yourself from your work.”

I really don’t know why I wrote this

I’m just speaking from my heart. Whatever that comes out of this effort, I have no control over.

There are a few times in one’s life when a man comes into contact with that one piece of divine thought that remains elusive all throughout life. What I find funny about it is this – it finds you. No, actually – it’s already found you. Somehow, that desire, that dream, that picture, is already in your heart. You were born into it. You were meant to do it. And when you make choices in your life that seem to diverge from that instinctive feeling, wait a few seconds and something uncomfortable will start to rise up in your chest. Suddenly, there is a squirm in your heart that tells you it’s not right.